You know that feeling when you’re in a relationship and something just feels off, but you can’t quite put your finger on what it is? Maybe you find yourself pulling away when things get too close, or perhaps you’re constantly worried your partner is going to leave. These patterns aren’t random, and they’re definitely not a sign that something is fundamentally wrong with you. They’re often connected to something called your attachment style, which is basically the blueprint you developed early in life for how relationships work. Understanding your attachment style can be like finally getting the instruction manual for why you do the things you do in love.
The first sign that your attachment style might be running the show is if you notice yourself getting anxious when your partner needs space. If they say they need a quiet evening alone or want to hang out with friends without you, does your mind immediately go to worst case scenarios? You might find yourself checking your phone constantly, reading into every text message, or feeling this gnawing fear that they’re losing interest. This often comes from what’s called an anxious attachment style, where deep down you learned that love is uncertain and you have to work hard to keep it. It makes sense if you think about it, because when you’re little and your needs weren’t consistently met, you learned to stay hypervigilant about connection. The problem is that this vigilance can actually push partners away, creating the very distance you’re afraid of. It becomes this exhausting cycle where you’re constantly seeking reassurance but never quite feeling reassured enough.
On the flip side, maybe you’re the person who feels suffocated when a partner wants more closeness. You value your independence fiercely, and when someone starts talking about feelings or wanting to spend more time together, you feel this urge to run. This is often a sign of avoidant attachment, where you learned early on that depending on others isn’t safe or reliable. You might find yourself keeping partners at arm’s length emotionally, even if you care about them deeply. The tricky part is that this self protection mechanism, which once kept you safe, now keeps you from experiencing the intimacy you probably actually want. You end up in relationships where you’re physically present but emotionally checked out, and your partners feel like they can never really reach you.
Another telling sign is if you notice yourself swinging between extremes in relationships. One day you’re all in, thinking this person is perfect and you’ve finally found the one. The next week, you’re noticing all their flaws and wondering if you should end things. This push and pull can be absolutely exhausting for both you and your partner. It often shows up as what some therapists call a fearful avoidant or disorganized attachment style, where part of you desperately wants connection but another part of you is terrified of it. You might have grown up with caregivers who were inconsistent or even scary, so you learned that the people who are supposed to love you can also hurt you. Now in your adult relationships, you’re constantly caught between wanting to be close and needing to protect yourself. Your partner probably feels confused because they never quite know which version of you they’re going to get.
If you want to learn more about these three attachment styles, check out this YouTube video by one of our therapists, Hannah Bodenhorn, where she does a deep dive into this topic.
The fourth sign is subtler but just as important, and it’s about how you handle conflict. Do you shut down completely when disagreements arise, maybe leaving the room or giving your partner the silent treatment? Or do you escalate quickly, turning small issues into big dramatic fights? Some people with attachment wounds avoid conflict at all costs because it feels dangerous, while others unconsciously create conflict as a way to feel something or test if their partner will stay. Neither approach actually resolves anything, and both leave you feeling disconnected from your partner. Healthy conflict, believe it or not, can actually bring couples closer together when both people feel safe enough to express their needs and work through differences. But if your attachment style is in the driver’s seat, conflict becomes something to either run from or weaponize instead of an opportunity for understanding.
The last sign worth paying attention to is how you feel about yourself within the relationship. Do you constantly compare yourself to your partner’s exes or worry that you’re not good enough? Do you find yourself changing who you are to try to keep the peace or make your partner happy? Or maybe you go the other direction and refuse to be vulnerable or admit when you’re wrong because that feels like weakness. Your attachment style doesn’t just affect how you relate to your partner, it affects how you relate to yourself when you’re in love. If you grew up learning that you had to earn love or that your needs were too much, you might carry that belief into every relationship you enter. You end up performing instead of just being, which is incredibly lonely even when you’re not alone.
Here’s the thing about attachment styles though, and this is the hopeful part. They’re not permanent personality traits or life sentences. They’re patterns you learned because they helped you survive your early relationships, but patterns can be unlearned and rewired. Understanding where these behaviors come from is actually the first step toward changing them. When you can recognize that your panic when your partner doesn’t text back right away is your anxious attachment talking, not reality, you can start to respond differently. When you notice yourself pulling away and can identify it as your avoidant attachment trying to protect you, you can choose to lean in instead.
The journey toward more secure attachment is absolutely possible, and it often starts with simply becoming aware of your patterns. Some people do this work in individual therapy, others in couples counseling, and many find that learning about attachment in a supportive group setting helps them see they’re not alone in their struggles. The beautiful thing about working on your attachment style is that it doesn’t just improve your romantic relationships. It ripples out into your friendships, your relationship with your family, and most importantly, your relationship with yourself. You start to believe that you’re worthy of love not because you’re perfect or because you’ve convinced someone to stay, but simply because you exist.
Want to explore your attachment style in depth? Join our upcoming virtual workshop on February 21st, 2026 from 2 to 3:30 PM, where you’ll learn practical tools for building more secure and healthy relationships. (Click here to learn more!) Whether you come solo or bring your partner, this class offers a safe space to understand your patterns and practice new ways of connecting. It’s only $20 per person, and it might just be the beginning of a whole new way of loving and being loved. Click here to register or text “ATTACHED” to 813-331-5646 to register, because understanding your attachment style isn’t just about fixing what’s broken. It’s about discovering the secure, connected relationship you’ve always deserved.
